Copyrighted. This may not be performed, published or reproduced in any form with out prior written permission from the author. Even if it is only for a classroom exercise, I would appreciate being contacted before rehearsals begin. It's not that I expect money from such a production, but I do want to control the copyright. My phone and email are at the bottom of every page. Thanks.

Checking Out

by Joel Selmeier

ACT I

Scene 1

(On a deserted bridge Rick stands with a pistol in his hand. After a pause, he raises the pistol, holding it with one hand, and holding it upright, and points it at his forehead.)

DAN: (Entering.) Rick. Wait. Could you sign this first?

RICK: I was just. . .

DAN: It's O.K.

RICK: I wasn't going to do it.

DAN: You can do it. Just sign this first.

RICK: I got this for my son. What are you doing still here?

DAN: I've got the game on the monitor in the van.

RICK: I thought everyone was gone.

DAN: Everyone else is.

RICK: For the last two weeks you keep appearing out of nowhere.

DAN: I wanted to be there for you when you committed suicide. (Taking the gun from Rick's hand and putting the clipboard in Rick's hand.)

RICK: I wasn't gonna. . .

DAN: Would you just sign this? And what do you mean, what am I still doing here? What are you doing here at all?

RICK: It sounded like an interesting location.

DAN: A condemned bridge? This is as generic a location as you can get. You can shoot any advertisement on a bridge.

RICK: Who picked it?

DAN: It's one of my haunts.

RICK: A deserted bridge?

DAN: Are you going to sign this?

RICK: What is this?

DAN: Purchase order.

RICK: For what?

DAN: Soap.

RICK: Soap?

DAN: Soap.

RICK: For what?

DAN: The office.

RICK: The office.

DAN: We're out of soap at the office.

RICK: On a Saturday night, after an impossible day on location coping with artists fighting with corporate guys, when you could be home, you come here to ask for soap?

DAN: Yea.

RICK: Is this some kind of signal? Like my last creative director, are you going off the deep end?

DAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I came here with a clip board. You came with a gun.

RICK: You're not even supposed to be thinking about soap.

DAN: I have to be thinking about soap.

RICK: It's not your responsibility.

DAN: Is the creative department turning out the best work they've ever turned out in the history of your agency.

RICK: Absolutely. Everyone is in agreement on that.

DAN: It's because I'm taking care of my troops. It's because I take charge of anything that isn't exactly right so they aren't hassled by petty stuff. If the crank on the Photostat machine sticks, I'm on it. If the print dryer squeaks, I'm on it. If Tom doesn't understand proper airbrush handling, I don't care how much experience he has with it, I straighten him out so that other people don't get hassled by over-tightened nozzles. Things are going better than ever because I'm thinking about soap.

RICK: Whose in charge of this?

DAN: No one's in charge of this. That's why we haven't had any in the lobby restroom for two weeks. For two weeks we've been shaking hands with guests and visitors who haven't washed theirs.

RICK: Accounting'll give me hell if I authorize this. It's not the proper channel.

DAN: What do you care? You'll be dead.

RICK: I wasn't going to kill myself.

DAN: Yes, you were. It's loaded.

RICK: My Son wants to hunt.

DAN: You don't have to explain. I've been there. But here, let me show you something. (Holding gun upright to his own forehead.) If you hold like you did, when you pull the trigger, look where your wrist is. You can't steady a gun like that. When the bullet kicks, the gun will twist. You'll only wound yourself. Hold it upside down. Like this. See, it was designed to fit in your hands like this. (Pointing it at Rick.) That's a firm grip when you're pointing it at someone else. When you want to point it at yourself, keep that grip and bend your elbow, not your wrist. Like this. Here. You try it.

RICK: I wasn't going to. . .

DAN: Don't bullshit me. If you're going to do it, do it right. Did you know that 95% of the people who attempt this fail? You'd think if you were going to do any single thing in your life right, this would be it. No. No. Not at your forehead. You'll end up a vegetable. What could be worse than wanting to die and waking up a vegetable on feeding tubes staring at the ceiling for forty years? In your mouth. Otherwise you're going through a lot of unnecessary bone in your forehead, and then you're not penetrating the important stuff. You want to sever the connections between your body and your brain. You've got to get the stuff that runs down the back of your neck. Haven't you ever seen a movie where someone shot himself?

RICK: I never watched that carefully, I guess.

DAN: That's why there's no soap at the office. You're management. You're supposed to pay attention to these things.

RICK: That's why we brought you in.

DAN: And what am I wasting my time doing? Getting authorization for soap. And showing you how to shoot. I'm creative director. Not custodian and weapons instructor. You're a "can do" kind of guy. I have a lot of respect for you, but you're weak on organizing and planning. You probably haven't even updated your will.

RICK: It's current.

DAN: How current?

RICK: Two years.

DAN: Two years is current?

RICK: Two years ago I began setting this up. I'm prepared. The will is current.

DAN: You bought a third car since then.

RICK: Although not specifically mentioned in the will. . .

DAN: You should mention it.

RICK: Aren't you carrying this "take charge" thing a little far here?

DAN: Think of your wife and Mother trying to be nice and give everything to each other.

RICK: Julie'd keep everything.

DAN: In their sorrow and mourning they shouldn't have to deal with that. Here. Write on this. Make an addendum to your will. I'll witness it.

RICK: This isn't necessary.

DAN: (Shouting off stage.) Carol?

RICK: Is Carol here?

DAN: (Shouting.) Carol?

RICK: You said everyone else was gone.

DAN: Everyone but Carol. (Shouting to Carol.) Would you come up here?

RICK: No. I don't want her to know.

DAN: You need two witnesses.

RICK: I don't even need the addendum.

DAN: It's not going to kill you to write a two sentence addendum.

RICK: (Shouting to Carol.) Don't come up here.

DAN: We need you.

RICK: No we don't.

DAN: We need you to witness a signature.

RICK: We don't need you to witness. . .

DAN: I'm your boss. Get up here.

RICK: I'm his boss and I'm countermanding that order.

DAN: Don't listen to him.

RICK: (To Dan.) Would you shut up?

DAN: No.

RICK: All right. All right. I'm signing it. Look. Carol. You see me signing this, right?

DAN: She needs to sign that she's witnessed it.

RICK: (Shouting.) When he gets back there with this, you can sign it. (To Dan.) What's she still doing here anyway?

DAN: Waiting for me. You haven't signed anything. There's nothing written on this.

RICK: (Writing.) Oh, all right. I might as well give the third car to Mom. What's Julie going to do with three cars? Mom's car is old. There. There's your addendum.

DAN: Any last messages?

RICK: None that I haven't already delivered.

DAN: In your last remaining minute, there's not a single last thing you'd want to say to anyone?

RICK: Right. (Writing.) Mom should know that I took her VCR to Roarsher's.

DAN: Messages for your kids?

RICK: I've been giving them messages for months. Things they'll remember. They're provided for. They will never doubt that I loved them and that this wasn't their fault. (Finishes writing.) There.

DAN: (Shouting to Carol.) Carol. Is there a drop cloth down there? . . . Any big piece of plastic. A shower curtain would do. . . What do you usually use drop cloths for? To catch drops. We're going to make a mess. We can't have anything on this bridge change before the final shoot. . . Look in the van. Photographers always carry stuff like that. We need a big one. Like 8 by 10. (To Rick.) Is there anything in your car?

RICK: No.

DAN: What's in your trunk?

RICK: Nothing.

DAN: You have a wife and two kids. There's no telling what might be in your trunk. Let her look. Where's your keys?

RICK: Here.

DAN: Carol. Here. Catch. Rick's keys. Check his trunk.

RICK: You might be a son of a bitch, but you're fast. You're thorough. You think things through. You make things happen.

DAN: Then give me a raise.

RICK: We just hired you.

DAN: I've been here four months.

RICK: We can't afford to yet.

DAN: I've already saved you double my salary just by keeping Synctel from walking.

RICK: Lots of people could have kept Synctel from walking.

DAN: No one else could have. But now in addition I'm turning your whole goddamn business around. So now you should give me a raise for that.

RICK: What do I care about that? I'm going to be dead.

DAN: Exactly my point. And in addition, I saved you from forty years of being a vegetable staring at the ceiling. That alone should be worth a raise.

RICK: You'll go far, Dan.

DAN: Think how fondly I'll remember you. When your wife comes in for your things I'll be able to say, "Yes. He was a wonderful person. After only four months with the company, he gave me a raise." (Dan sprints off stage, then returns with plastic.)

RICK: Where was that?

DAN: She said Cheezum had some in a box.

RICK: Was Cheezum here?

DAN: (Spreading out plastic.) No.

RICK: Oh. For a minute I thought we had a first - Cheezum working on Saturday.

DAN: He didn't even stay till five on Friday.

RICK: He's not your department. If you're keeping track of him, your going to get on Ed's nerves.

DAN: I wasn't keeping track. I was looking for a ride. My car died. That's why Carol's still here. My car's in the shop. She picked me up with the company van. (Rick stands in the center of the plastic.) Does the plastic seem like a good idea?

RICK: Very good.

DAN: Think you should be lying on it?

RICK: Of course.

DAN: Otherwise you might fall off of it.

RICK: I'll lie right here. Should I put my head in the center of it?

DAN: Your feet wouldn't be on it then. Someone would have to drag you to get your feet on it before they wrapped you up. Better get your whole body on it. I wonder how they do a chalk outline when you're on a piece of plastic?

RICK: This is what I said to them after we interviewed you. All they could see was that it was going to be hard to put any reigns on you. But I told them that whatever you tackle, you look it square in the face and deal with every aspect of it from the start.

DAN: So you're going to miss me, huh?

RICK: We could've become pals if we'd had more time.

DAN: We have a lot in common.

RICK: I mean even suicide. You don't get dizzy and frantic. You see the goal, you see the obstacles, and you apply yourself intelligently.

DAN: Well, I've a little experience with this.

RICK: Suicide?

DAN: Why do you think we have such a rapport?

RICK: You've been around other people like this?

DAN: Oh, yeah. That too.

RICK: You mean you think about suicide?

DAN: More than most men think about sex.

RICK: I had no idea.

DAN: It's what you respond to in me. People who never face it never sort out what matters from what doesn't. When you are groping for excuses to live, just for a few more hours. . . When what you want more than anything is to be dead, what becomes clear is not only what, but who, is worth another few minutes.

RICK: I had no idea. I'm sorry to hear.

DAN: And now you'll be gone. I'll have to start interviewing. I can't stay here with no one to talk to.

RICK: There's no one else here you can talk to?

DAN: Is there anyone else here you can talk to?

RICK: No.

RICK: No.

DAN: When I interviewed here, you latched onto me. No one else did. I was sitting across from the three of you, but I was talking to you. You were in pain. The first thing I thought when I shook your hand was that you were in pain.

RICK: Why'd you think that?

DAN: This is really new to you, isn't it?

RICK: Not that new.

DAN: I mean it's from recent adulthood, isn't it? It's not one of your earliest memories. Otherwise you'd know. When you were in the second grade I don't imagine you had to form a habit where every morning first thing when your parents woke you up . . . You know how a runner, a marathon runner, on a bad day, out of breath, out of strength, a cramp in his gut, in such pain after twenty miles that running the six remaining miles is inconceivable, so he looks at the next phone pole. He thinks he can stand it until that next phone pole. So he decides to go just to that phone pole. When he gets there, he looks at the next phone pole, and thinks he might be able to stand it for one more phone pole. He staggers to that one. And then another one, and another one for six miles. I was wasting my life stopping to decide at every phone pole. So in second grade I formed a habit. Every morning, the moment I wake up, I put my feet on the floor and say, "Not today. Go one more day."

RICK: But you're always smiling.

DAN: You're so new at this. Well, it looks like you're all set. It'd be better if the gun didn't go off while Carol was within ear shot. She'd call 911. With your luck they'd save you.

RICK: I'll wait till you're gone.

DAN: You can't see the road from here. I'll tell you what. As we pull onto the highway, we'll honk three times so you'll know we're on our way. If you could wait about a minute after that.

RICK: All right.

DAN: Have a good trip.

RICK: Thanks.

DAN: Are you liable to have second thoughts?

RICK: I don't think so.

DAN: 'Cause if you might, I'll go straight home so you can call me. Otherwise Carol and I might stop at Atterbee's and watch the end of the game there.

RICK: I'm not having second thoughts.

DAN: O.K. See you later. Or no. I guess I won't. Um. Goodbye.

RICK: 'Bye. (Rick exits. Dan watches him go, then looks into the distance for a pause. He then positions himself in the middle of the drop cloth and works on his grip. When he's ready, he holds the gun to his forehead.)

DAN: (Entering.) The horn doesn't work.

RICK: Why, all of a sudden for the last two weeks, every five minutes, do you pop up at the worst times?

DAN: For the last two weeks it was clear you were going to kill yourself. You weren't telling anyone when. So I kept checking on you.

RICK: You couldn't have known.

DAN: It was so obvious.

RICK: Everyone knew?

DAN: No one else knew.

RICK: I didn't say anything.

DAN: That's how I knew you were serious.

RICK: I don't understand, but I don't care anymore.

DAN: Me either.

RICK: If you're so depressed, why don't you do it?

DAN: I'm going to.

RICK: When?

DAN: Tomorrow. The next day. I'm putting it off.

RICK: For what?

DAN: This morning I put it off because today I was going to get to ride with Carol.

RICK: Then you're doing it tomorrow?

DAN: Tomorrow she's driving me to pick up my car.

RICK: Then the day after that?

DAN: Yes. The day after that I'm checking out too. Unless I can think of something else to distract me for another day.

RICK: It's worth living through another whole day of this to get a ride with Carol?

DAN: No. But sooner or later I'm going to die regardless. But I'm only doing this life thing once. So I'm putting it off a day at a time.

RICK: When you started work here, you were so happy.

DAN: No. I wasn't. I already told you that. I've been putting this off since. . . Oh, you don't believe me anyway.

RICK: Believe what?

DAN: How long I've been putting it off. Even now, with a gun in your mouth, you don't believe what I've already told you. How could you believe that?

RICK: Try me.

DAN: It would only make me think less of you. It's my benchmark for shallowness. In my life I've told maybe five people.

RICK: I'm going to be dead in five minutes.

DAN: Everyone's going to be dead in five days or decades or minutes or. . .

RICK: Why'd you tell anyone?

DAN: They were in trouble.

RICK: People with guns in their mouths?

DAN: No. Only one was a shooter. One was a jumper. One wasn't in trouble. She was just someone I was in love with. She closed her eyes and walked away like I hadn't said anything.

RICK: How can it be that you were there for a shooter and a jumper and God knows what else?

DAN: This is where I live. When someone else arrives, I hear it in their voice. I see it the way they look out the window. It's where I've been since I was three and a half.

RICK: No.

DAN: Careful. This is the benchmark.

RICK: Not since you were three and a half.

DAN: You're falling rapidly in my estimation.

RICK: Three and a half?

DAN: Every night when I laid down, I prayed I wouldn't wake up.

RICK: Three and a half?

DAN: Trying to explain it is like trying to explain the color orange to a blind person.

RICK: It can't be true.

DAN: They keep track of the suicide rate for four years olds.

RICK: No.

DAN: I was precocious.

RICK: Three and a half?

DAN: I don't know how long before that I was thinking about it. But three and a half is when I tried it.

RICK: Impossible. At three and a half you've just figured out where your nose is. How could you figure out how to kill yourself?

DAN: Well, I'm still alive so obviously I couldn't.

RICK: What'd you use? A cap gun?

DAN: My Grandfather told me never to sleep with my head under the covers because I might suffocate. In the middle of the afternoon, I climbed under the covers. Nothing happened. I got more covers. Nothing. I climbed in between the mattress and box spring. Nothing. I stuffed blankets all around myself to seal off the air between the mattress and box spring. I still remember the sounds of kids in the yard, and how quiet it got when I sealed myself in, the smell of old mattress springs and the air I was breathing over and over, the darkness. . . I was there all afternoon. My Grandfather was wrong.

RICK: This is depressing.

DAN: You have no idea.

RICK: I think I do.

DAN: You have a glimmer. But you don't know. This is the first time you've come face to face with it.

RICK: I've been preparing for this for more than two years.

DAN: Preparing, yeah. But that's not it.

RICK: It's not like it's the first time I thought of it.

DAN: I know. I hate these guys who all of a sudden decide they've had it 'cause their wife left them or they lost a limb or something so now they wish they were dead. You know that pain is going to pass. They can do something about that. Even if they didn't, all they have to do is sit still a few weeks and there will be some improvement.

RICK: After about a year of no improvement, I bought life insurance and began waiting for the time two years down the road when it would cover suicide.

DAN: You're still an amateur.

RICK: What do you do? Practice?

DAN: Every moment of every day I pay attention to the escape routes like a P.O.W. being tortured.

RICK: That's so depressing.

DAN: Really shallow people have so little comprehension of this that it doesn't even depress them. You're still a dilettante, but depression is going in the right direction.

RICK: How can you call me a dilettante?

DAN: I'm always in the darkness watching the people around the campfire. Once in a while one of them moves far enough from the fire, like you're doing, to see the shadow of me against the darkness. But that's all.

RICK: I had no idea.

DAN: Say. I happened to think. Could you wipe my fingerprints off that gun?

RICK: I already did.

DAN: At a time like this you thought of me. We would've been great friends.

RICK: Would've been.

DAN: Now that it's all over, is there anything you wish you'd done?

RICK: Not anymore.

DAN: If you could do anything right now, anything at all, with your one remaining day, what would you do?

RICK: There's nothing left that means anything.

DAN: If you were going to live for just one more hour, there's nothing on earth that could make it worth living for just one more hour?

RICK: No. Nothing.

DAN: What if the Bengal's were in the Super Bowl, it was the forth quarter, we had the ball, we were down by six points with two minutes to play and three time outs left? Wouldn't you stay alive long enough to watch that?

RICK: Well, that, yeah.

DAN: They're playing the Jets right now.

RICK: They were losing at half time.

DAN: I know. I wanted to die too. But I thought if I could make the world a better place, maybe I could make it through half time. So I got soap for the bathroom. (Pause.) What would get you through half time?

RICK: There's nothing.

DAN: If the hostess from Atterbee's were here in that costume and bent over to pick something up, wouldn't it be worth living until she stood back up?

RICK: That would last only a few seconds.

DAN: That's better than zero seconds. It's something. My attitude is, as long as you're checking out anyway, you might as well take the mints off the pillow. You want me to call Atterbee's and get the hostess over here.

RICK: No.

DAN: I can do it.

RICK: I'll bet you can.

DAN: Then let me do it.

RICK: What would you tell her?

DAN: The truth.

RICK: No.

DAN: She'd understand.

RICK: How do you know?

DAN: She's depressed too.

RICK: Oh, now that's perfect. Let's get all the suicidal people we can out on a bridge with a gun.

DAN: We could play Russian Roulette with five bullets. The unlucky one might live.

RICK: I don't want to take chances.

DAN: Aw, come on. Live a little.

RICK: I'm too tired. I can't stand it any longer.

DAN: All right.

RICK: I have to go.

DAN: I won't hold you up any longer.

RICK: Thanks.

DAN: I've enjoyed working with you.

RICK: You're the best thing that ever happened to this business.

DAN: Hope it's painless.

RICK: Thanks.

DAN: Before I go, what's the score?

RICK: I don't know.

DAN: How'd you know before?

RICK: Pocket radio.

DAN: Where's it now?

RICK: Threw it in the water.

DAN: Half time's over by now. Carol's probably still got it on the monitor in the van. Want me to shout the score to you before we leave?

RICK: No.

DAN: You're really having a bad day, aren't you?

RICK: Yeah.

DAN: Too bad. Well, 'bye.

RICK: 'Bye. (Dan exits. Rick stands for a pause, re-positions himself on the drop cloth, and aims.)

DAN: (Offstage.) Bengals tied it up on a safety. They did it just now. (Entering.) Krumrie drove through the line and sacked him so hard it knocked him over the goal line. Just thought you'd want to know. Well, 'bye.

RICK: Maybe I'll watch at that replay first.

DAN: If you're going to die, you might as well go out on a good replay.

RICK: This is how you live? Putting it off one minute at a time?

DAN: I've got it stretched out to a day at a time.

RICK: You go through this everyday?

DAN: I'm an unusual case.

RICK: It's like this for you everyday, every year?

DAN: Since I was a toddler.

RICK: I can't believe that.

DAN: We're missing the replay. I'm walking on thin ice here. If you make me miss this replay, I might check out right now.

RICK: But what does a toddler stay alive for?

DAN: I didn't want to hurt my Mother. We've missed the replay. Give me that gun.

RICK: Why not? There's enough bullets for both of us.

DAN: Listen. They're cheering. Quick. Let's see what happened.

RICK: What about Carol?

DAN: You're always thinking about other people.

RICK: She's not going to want to watch the game.

DAN: I sent her home in your car.

RICK: So we don't have to worry about her hearing the shots.

DAN: Exactly.

RICK: You think of everything.

DAN: If the Bengals win, before we shoot ourselves, you want to go to Atterbee's? They'll be celebrating.

RICK: Does that waitress work on Saturdays?

DAN: Should we take the plastic in case she doesn't?

RICK: You're so depressing. I've never been so miserable in my life. I thought I was depressed when I was pulling the trigger. But now. . .

DAN: So what are you saying? You don't want to see the game? You want to do this now? Here's the gun.

RICK: I want to see the game now.

DAN: For God's sake, Rick. You're management. Get your act together. What are we doing? You dying now? Or we gonna watch the game first?

RICK: First the game. Then Atterbee's. Then death.

DAN: All right. I'll bring the plastic.

(End of Scene One)

(Lights fade to night brightness
for the beginning of Scene Two)

Copyrighted by Joel Selmeier
2446 Turnberry Drive, Cincinnati, OH 45244 USA
Phone: 513-348-4744

The next scene and the second act may be added here if ever time and inclination coincide.